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honeylaala's Blog


Yearnin

Please tell me there is someone out there that is worth my time. Its to the point where i cant try to make someone stay with me. I don't have the energy nor the effort that it takes to do little things. The words just don't seem to come out. I want someone to come help me appreciate everything around me. I am young and i understand that. Even if its temporary i yearn for itttt so badly. I just need one person. One time. One true and healthy friendship and relationship. I will be forever happy. 

runaway. get away

I need to vent
its been a while since ive been able to write my feelings down.
or type them anyways.
I wen through a phase.. where i thought it was useless to "get out" what i was feeling.
ive been reading.. i kind of feel like a "writer" maybe its something i should look into.
im all about love and fiction... and happy endings and love stories and two people
unexpectedly falling for each other. falling deeply for each other. and yearning for each other.
hoping one day its me..
anyways. i just really want someone here by my side. its getting really hard. my mom. my family.
that love and affection a person can offer you? i want THAT.
Change of subject.
Kevin and i are on good terms. im finnaly way past him and his bullshit.
lol its actually funny to me now. He is stupid as hell and ah. im so glad im the person that gets to call
the shots now.
Adrian cam down. He wasnt anything like i expected. Ive actually stopped talking to him all together.
and i dont mind at all. 
Change of subject.
The world is on my shoulders............................ Things havent gone my way and i dont want to go into specifics
but i got a job. lost it. for all the wrong reasons. and now i regret it. Driving school is on monday.
i cant wait till its over. and hopefully find a new job. BETTER job. and show everyone i CAN.
i CAN help my mom. IM NOT half as stupid as i showed them with leaving my job.
I just need time to reedeem myself and get myself together. because i feel like im falling apart. Slowly
and its bad. dreadfull. ive been loosing hope and confused about my future and what i want to do
with my life. its been this big bubble of "i dont care" "ill do it later" tomorow will be better" " i need to
forget" "push this as far back in my memory as possible" OVER life and its bearly starting.
Looking for a boo.
Change of subject.
Patricio... He doesnt even deserve a sentence in this. BUT unfortuantly hes very present in my every day
life... School life.... i never thought i would get his number. Never the less actually text him. NOT 
because i feel "not good enough for him" but idk. were from two different world. LITERRALLY. 
*change*
i need to get away. i need time. beach. peacfullness. not this hectic life. the craziest part is
writing about how i live and feel like ive been here a while but im only 17. im nearly starting TO LIVE.
and i feel drained already. so sad. pathetic actually. music. writting. idk what my escape is anymore.
i feel like singing is not my thing anymore. it cant possibly take me anywhere? how MANY people
are out there.. trying to make a singing career. what would me different? i have to be realistic.
Writting and reading have been a good escape for me recently. but im not a very good wtitter. my ideas
are every where and i cant focus really..... i need a breather.

My Day

No text, NO call NO nothing.and yet i think about you all the time yo.
i went to church and saw this boy im talking to which made me realize i dont wan anything with
him at all. but i would be really stupid to let him slipp out of my hands cause he is a really GREAT
guy. with a bright future he is really sweet and patient and everything in between. thing is im not 
attracted to him like i used to be. and im not going to sit here and say looks dont matter to me?
he is handsome but doesnt fully attract me. maybe i can learn to like him? and with time be able to
correspond? idk......... thing is he is coming to see me before he leaves to Arkansas. Well thenn i went to
my Friend oscars get together, it was his birthday and i felt unbearably awkward. i was surronded with
people who arent nothing like me AND hate me/ or envy me. i know it. I saw some cute guy (oscars cousin) and he reminded me of kevin. I kno he noticed me cause i noticed him tooooo. i left earlyy and ugh on my way
home i was just mad. at everythingg around meee. i hate kevin for leaving me like this. 
My mood: a bit blank

Pain in my stomach

ill start this now beofre i leave and get stoned for the night, i just have thi spain in my stomach
maybe cause the person i want to share this night is Kevin and cause i want to be with him
and be happy right now with him but its clearly impossible.. you know wishfull thinking -_-
....... (Cont.) So i woke up this morning, last night was a bit hazyyyyy and all i can remember was having an awufull / great time but eh? i had Six Flags planned with a douche.... who cancaled thats ( thats what i get for making plans with someone younger than me) but eh i ended up going with my aunt and a family friend. i actually had annn amazing time going a rides i never thought! the adrenaline rush was amazing? you know? feeling in control and ufff :D towards the end i was thinking about my "impossible" and i got all teary eyed, wondering if one day i could show up at his house and run to him and kiss him and make love or something.. but then i came back to realityyy ofcourse and mann i just hope my memory haunts him forever. Just like its haunting me right now.. i never knew things (forgetting about someone) would be so hard & painfull. it hurts cause i want to leave & u want to leave but the love keeps us in the same path. sigh 

New Morning

Today i woke emotionally drained, physically tired of everything around me. everything seems like a routine for me. but i will probably go out tonight with one of me very amazing bestfriendssss. He has seen me at my worst and deff at my best. i hope today goes goood (crosses fingers). and ill probably sleep over my Aunts house because im going to Six Flags with someone i dont even really want to go with.. to be honest.. i guess im using him in a way.. its kindda what i enjoy doing when i feel in control in some kind of way! im just tired of feeling upset and being mad at the world for what ONE person did. which is why im trying really hard to forget and get past this FINALLY. 
My mood: a bit blank

I got your message..

i been meaning to respond, but i cant. i cant reply to you anymore. i should have looked both ways before i crossed youuu. now your with her doing the things you did with me. i hope you dont regret me. i hope my memory haunts you forever. and youuu Karma bites you in the assssss. i apologize if i fucked up for getting a hickie but we talked about it. and now i feel like your still holdingg it against me? why. why. why. we went from friends to something much more? to breaking up to making up and fuckin once more. but we hurt each other so maybe its for the better.. 

I Cant Anymore

sitting waiting for a text from the person i care about do much is killing me. We met and it only took couple of days for us to fall for each other. Problem was that he was in a relationship, i went in blind not knowing he was committed to her for almost 2 years! i mean how could i ever ever compete with that ! He hurts me so bad, He acts like he cares for a second and then leaves me.. for days and it hurts not talking to him? wondering what hes doin? if he is talking to her. WHY cant he just decide to be happy with me. i miss him so much it hurts , worst pain i eve had. i feel like i cant sleep i cant eat and i cant live happily without him. and every time i see him i feel like i fall harder each time. except this time i was kissing him, all on tip of him and his phone rang "baby" was calling him! i couldnt do anything but cry, of dissapointment, hatred, sadnessss and everything in between D: i deleted the messages his number, blocked him from my Tumblr. i want to get him back so bad. because he cant leave me like this. its not fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. im so stupid for falling for his bullshit again. but this is the last time. i swear. it just hurst cause eveything reminds me of him. i seriously love this kid and i know some part of him cares about me tooo, but this can never evver be.

1-7 of 7 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Yearnin, posted May 4th, 2013
runaway. get away, posted February 9th, 2013
My Day, posted July 8th, 2012
Pain in my stomach, posted July 6th, 2012
New Morning, posted July 6th, 2012
I got your message.., posted July 6th, 2012
I Cant Anymore, posted July 6th, 2012

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